


Not Your Usual Karaoke

by starkind



Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Batman - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Gen, Iron Bat - Freeform, One Shot, Out of Character, Silly, Song Lyrics, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-14 05:09:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14128785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkind/pseuds/starkind
Summary: Batman might have been the world's greatest detective, but he was never the world's greatest conversationalist. By choice.Without a choice, well...... things are not much better.





	Not Your Usual Karaoke

**Author's Note:**

> I believe this concept has not been used in an IronBat context, so here I come bearing song-ficness. Of a kind. Because I needed this. You may not, and that is okay. But if you do, try to see how many song references you can spot ;)

The video call comes 12 hours after their last contact with their father. Bruce has been in New York when yet another alien invasion struck the Big Apple. Now Richard is the first one down in the cave to answer it. “Where is he? Is he alright?” On the other end, Tony Stark looks... apprehensive.

“Technically, yes. Only-”

“Only what?”

“There has been a minor... incident, but Bruce is fine, mostly.”

“Stark.”

Richard tries his best to impersonate his father's scowl. He hears Tim and Damian shuffle close to lean left and right of the Batman's chair in front of the supercomputer. “We want to talk to him.” The Californian genius pulls a face. “Huh, yeah, that's actually where the, er,... problem lies.”

“Why? What happened?”

“Some wacko with a space gun happened and, well, your dad got hit. Full front. And ever since then, he...” Tony Stark rubs his eyes with a huge sigh and turns to look at something off-screen. “Bruce, they wanna see you. Could you, maybe...?” Shuffling. The boys exchange worried glances. Their father's stoic countenance greets them a few moments later. Richard, Tim, and even Damian seem visibly relieved to see him unharmed.

“Dad, how are you?”

He clears his throat.

“It's been a hard days night.”

Richard blinks.

“Okay? But - are you hurt? Do you need a medevac or something?”

Wayne lowers his head as unease crosses his features. “Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay.” The boys look at each other, certain they are being fooled. Tony interferes and squeezes in front of the camera before things turn too awkward.

“Yep, that's the deal. He only speaks in song titles. We don't know how this works yet. It appears he can understand everything just fine, there's no brain damage or anything, but those space gun rays hampered his speech center and everything that comes out is - lyrics. If anything.”

“Father doesn't speak much even without a silly spell.”

At Damian's jeering objection, Tim and Richard nod along. “Yeah, just make him nod or shake his head... or use thumbs up and down.” Tony throws them a look worth of utter 'too bad you are not the fruit of my loins' disapproval.

“Funny how that works, huh? Because I've already tried that, Huey, Dewey and Louie, okay, and it doesn't prompt any response. So it's either lyrics or blank face. And frankly, this fella here has been getting dibs on that blank face ever since I've known him, so I'd be even more inclined to listen to him recite all of the Wizard of Oz songs instead.” The lethal glare and curl of a lip Bruce throws him goes unnoticed by Tony but not the boys.

Eventually, Richard crosses his arms and stands up straight. “Just hang in there, dad. And don't worry about us. We're gonna be fine.” Tim confirms this right before Damian chimes in again. “And we've got Alfred, so we won't die from starvation or dirty laundry.” Bruce's mouth moves as his face takes on a pained expression.

“You are always on my mind.”

+

Said Alfred Pennyworth calls half an hour later. Apparently, the Batboys have given him a truly bamboozling recap of what has happened to Bruce, and now the butler wants to see for himself. Tony repeats his ludicrous explanations a second time, and Alfred gets to lay eyes on his morose but healthy-looking protege. “Master Bruce, I am positive Master Anthony is going to find a way to reverse this situation soon.”

His icy blue stare at the man in question elicits a toothy grin that is not as self-assured as Tony wants it to appear.

“If you would be so kind to just stay in touch with me to keep me updated on your progress, Sir?”

Bruce Wayne tilts his head.

“Call me maybe.”

It comes out mumbled and results in the butler arching a graying eyebrow. “I'm afraid I do not quite understand, Sir. Do you not wish for us to contact you?” Helpless, the Gotham billionaire fumbles for words, looks at Tony for support even, but receives none because Tony does not know whatever goes on in the dark abyss that is Bruce's brooding mind. Eventually, something like a flash of inspiration crosses his stoic face.

“You... can call me... Al.”

Tony has to bite down on his knuckles to prevent the belly laugh from making it out into the open.

For what it's worth, Bruce is a cunning mofo, even in that bewitched state of his.

+

After the first couple of hours, Tony makes some interesting discoveries. The spell also cannot be tricked by getting Bruce to write down his thoughts – the effect remains the same. Each song line or lyrics can apparently only be used once as well, which makes for some rather drab dialogue options. Also, it seems like Bruce's rather restricted vocabulary is limited to songs he has recently listened to somehow.

And herein lies problem number two: Bruce does not listen to a lot of music by choice, even if he does know his way around most artists and genres. Tony thus bestows a pair of earphones on him and feeds him song after song from Jarvis' huge sound library to increase his meager vocabulary to an extent. They try to hold halfway normal conversations, which is quite a challenge. For both of them.

“Maybe if we just try to get our hands on the gun, reverse the ray, and shoot you again?”  
Bruce glares.  
“Goodness gracious, great balls of fire.”  
  
Tony figures that means no.

Which is fine because the space gun goon has gone back into whatever dimension he had come from.

Not that Tony'd ever tell Bruce that.

+

More results roll in on day two. Apparently, the side effect lasts about a week. Sadly, no other data is available so they could be going out on a limb here by waiting it out, adding to Bruce's lyrical library, but it is better than doing nothing. After those two days, Bruce starts to use more lyrics from the songs Jarvis chooses for him, not just their titles. And he keeps the small music player Tony bestowed upon him close by, just in case.

It is a start.

Until Pepper Potts gets wind of the strange situation as she drops by the workshop. Tony tries to deflect by saying Bruce has caught some sort of respiratory virus (the Batvoice and all that), but it does not bode well. Pepper's PA gene kicks into overdrive, along with her compassionate streak. "Oh Bruce, I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you? Can I get you a herbal tea or would you like something else?"

"I can't get no satisfaction."  
His blurted out words make Pepper's brows knit together.  
"Excuse me - what?"  
  
Bruce's cheeks grow a surprising shade of red. "That's what I say. I can't get no satisfaction." By now, Pepper downright gapes. Tony thus decides to come to his rescue. "Ehh, don't mind him, Pep, he's just channeling his inner Mick Jagger." Her blue eyes narrow and search for her boss. Upon her crossed arms and withering glare, Stark takes a step back by reflex. "Hey now, I can explain... some of it at least."

Bruce then watches in silent admiration how the personal assistant listens to the ridiculous gist of the matter and chews out her wildly-gesturing boss about his impossible ways afterward. When both of them have run out of things to yell at each other, her stilettos click away on the tiled floor of his workshop and the door slams shut. Tony's eyes meet those of the Gothamite over the work desk. Wayne shrugs.

“Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday.”

Still bristling, Tony wipes both palms over his heated face and puts his arms akimbo, trying to salvage the remains of his usually so suave nature. “If learned one thing about women from Pepper, it's to never mess around with redheads who wear five-inch heels on a daily basis.” This makes Wayne look pensive for a second. He puts one earbud in and starts scrolling through his song list with a more or less annoyed tug of the mouth.

He then seems to listen to something for a while and presses the pause button.  
“These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.”  
Tony suppresses a chortle and goes to ask Jarvis to buy some of Pepper's favorite chocolate.  
  
+  
  
Around day four, Bruce's patience wears thin. Well, thinner than usual.

“I've been cheated by you since I don't know when. So I made up my mind, it must come to an end.”

The anger on the Gothamite's face only gets dampened by the fact that he uses ABBA lyrics to get his point across. Still, Tony takes his threat seriously and gets to his feet. “Hey, I'm trying the best I can, the fastest way I can.” A glower. “Look at me now, will I ever learn? Knowing me, knowing you, there is nothing we can do.” Okay, maybe Tony needs to stop feeding Bruce ABBA songs. It clearly does not do his mood good.

The reason for why he has not dared to douse Bruce's eardrums with metal or most classic rock songs is because Tony does not want to aggravate Bruce's grumpy state of mind further. Also, he just does not want to get yelled at with Metallica, AC/DC, or any other of his favorite rock bands. It would taint all of his fond memories. Current anger vanishing into the air, Wayne plops down on a chair next to Tony.  
  
“I want to break free.”  
He puts his arms on the desktop, head hung low. Tony pats his thigh.  
“I know, Bboy, I know.”

+

Day six brings no real improvements.

The wacko gun rays still remain a mystery to Tony, despite his best efforts. “Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.” The frustration in Bruce's voice is evident as they both watch yet another potential 3D molecule formula crumble. “Another one bites the dust.” By now, Tony finds it easier not to erupt in bouts of laughter every time Bruce relents to ABBA or Queen to get his point across.

At least the Batboys have calmed down their worries enough to fully and shamelessly exploit the situation at hand.

Meaning they actively go and Rick Roll the Batman.

Tony has to hand it to them, they've got guts. And then he goes and curses them when Bruce barges into his workshop in the middle of the day to tell him all straight-faced that “We're no strangers to love. You know the rules, and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy.” Tony's eyes dart from the broad physique of Wayne to his computer screens and back. “Ah, uh...ooookay...”

Even if he likes to admit hearing Bruce Wayne declare his utter love for him is something that has been on the back of his mind for quite a long time, Tony does not want to coerce it out of him while under a spell. It would just not be right. There and then, Bruce frowns. “I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling. Gotta make you understand.” Here, Tony interrupts his fiery internet meme love declaration with a held-up palm.

“Okay, baby. That is really, really great but we've got to get you back to full capacity first before you get to serenade me.”

Relief crosses Bruce's features. Tony fears the spell might be worsening and taking over Bruce's neuronal activities if it makes him say things he does not want to admit. From that moment on, he goes and doubles -no, triples- his efforts and asks Jarvis to figure out if there are any remedies.

The boys also get productive, albeit in their own, wicked ways. They keep on sending their father audio files on his mobile, only to give him a video call afterward. Once Bruce has clicked on those files, there is no turning back from hilarity. “Hey, dad, what was it that you've always told us about keeping up a regular exercise routine?” Synapses fire and fight a raging war inside Bruce. In the end, he has no choice but to surrender.

“I like to move it, move it.”

In the back, he can see Richard high-fiveing Jason. Bruce Wayne's brows furrow in anger. “Quit playing games with my heart.” All innocent, Tim leans forward on bent arms. His lips fight a losing battle against the laughter that bubbles up. “So what you are saying is that we shouldn't contact you again? Is that what you really want?” Sweat beads on Bruce's forehead. His jaw clenches as he tries desperately to hold back the words.

Finally, he has no choice but to give in.

“Hit me, baby, one more time.”

Four bodies collapse with laughter in the cave. That is when Tony comes to Bruce's rescue (though not after wiping the tears of laughter from the corner of his eyes). “Okay fellas, this nonsense has to stop right now. We really gotta work on the antidote here, so no more pranks for time being.” He cuts off the feed and the workshop falls dark and quiet. “Better now?” Bruce massages his temples. “The sound of silence.”

Tony gives the tight area on Bruce's upper back a squeeze. “We'll get you back to normal, you'll see.” With a heaving sigh, Wayne rises from the chair. “All I'm askin' is for a little respect.” Something akin to dejection mingles into his words. Tony casts him a lopsided smile. “Hey now, things could have been way worse. You could have been fatally wounded. This we can handle. You've had worse, buddy.”

The scathing look the Gothamite throws him in return speaks volumes. All the more surprising, however, is Bruce's reply. “Don't stop believing. I will survive.” After a little pause, he adds “My heart will go on.” Tony holds it together until he is absolutely, absolutely certain Bruce has left the workshop. Then he erupts in undignified, snorting laughter until he is in stitches and red in the face. His poor ARC ticker can only take so much.

As soon as he can speak again, he asks Jarvis to clear his song library of any more sneaky, folly additions from Richard, Tim, Jason, and Damian.

+

In the end, the spell breaks after ten days. Immediately after, Bruce takes a good ten minutes to give Tony as well as his boys a solid tongue lashing using all of his articulate and eloquent ways to express his dismay at their immature ways. They let him vent because it is so marvelous to hear him growl in all of his dark knight glory again. When Bruce's mobile rings that evening, back at his Manor in Gotham, it is to a very familiar tune.

_'Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you'_

The caller ID says Tony Stark.

Bruce Wayne hurls the phone at the wall with all of his might.

 

END

**Author's Note:**

> The credit for all of Bruce Wayne's spoken sentences in this fic goes to the respective songwriters/producers.


End file.
